Kill All the Lawyers

You live in western New York and need a lawyer. There is no shortage of ambulance chasers but who can you call? How can you reach them and, more importantly, when can you call? Because you need help now. For your convenience, we offer the Dumbarton's Brew Guide to WNY's Premier Ambulance Chasers Attorneys at Law. The firms below met our rigorous review standards. They were not chosen simply because their phone number consists of one even number. Actually, the phone number is the only reason.

Dial: 716.222.2222
Web: http://www.wnydwi.com/default.aspx
Summary: The Turbo Team specialty is DWI and apparently nothing else. As they say, pick one thing you're good at and stick with it. However, you can call 24/7 and they are happy to come visit you at your home or office; because the boss loves when his employees meet with lawyers at work.

Dial: 716.444.4444
Web: http://www.williammattar.com/
Summary: Personal injury focusing primarily on, you guessed it, auto accidents. Really, helping people is what they do. Also, they have a "No Fee Guarantee" - you don't pay unless Mattar wins your case (little known fact, this is how it always works).

Dial: 716.666.6666
Web: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118971/
Summary: Some say it's the most powerful law firm in the country. They only hire lawyers that have never lost a case. The only thing it will cost.....is your soul.

Dial: 800.888.8888
Web: http://www.cellinoandbarnes.com/
Summary: Previously Cellino, Dwyer and Barnes. Rumor has it the shameless chasing was too much for Dwyer so he took off to do some honest lawyerin'. Personal injury attorneys that advertise primarily for auto and construction accidents but they can do it all. Medical malpractice - check. Truck accidents (yes, it's different than auto) - check. Defective products - check. Even dog bites! Cellino & Barnes offers a No Fee Promise (see No Fee Guarantee above). Also, you can text them.

Literally A Stupid Debate

Literally Brewing Co?

The e-world was abuzz this week over the definition of one word. Check it out here, here, or here. That word is literally. Words get used, misused, and abused all the time. Why do we care about the use of literally? I have no idea and wonder where this backlash was while we killed epic. Then again, this is the Internet.

Per the experts, literally means "(1) in a literal sense or manner: actually ; (2) in effect: virtually ".

I literally think this debate is a waste of time but thought I would share a list of things I literally cannot do without a beer in my hand.

Grilling. I have a Weber charcoal grill. No wussy gas barbecue for me. There is something manly about standing over fire and burning meat with a cold beer.

Mowing the Lawn. Living the almost-rural lifestyle means having grass - and a lot of it. You spend a precious weekend day cutting 1.5 acres of grass and a beer is mighty refreshing. Sometimes while on the riding mower, sometimes as a break, sometimes celebrating a job well done. Regardless, a beer in hand beats two in the brush.

Eating Pizza. I once had a friend and colleague who got sick. The kind of sick that transforms, and ultimately takes, your life. While discussing his drug regimen he said thing he missed the most was having a nice cold beer with pizza. I almost never miss an opportunity to have a beer with pizza. Lesson learned, Scooter.

Watching (or talking about) Sports. Just like everybody else.

Writing Blogging. My high school and/or elementary school educators would be ashamed to admit I was on their class roster after reading this waste of space but chances are I'm drinking a beer while I'm at it.

Sex. Just kidding, honey; but definitely while checking my iphone.

Home Sweet Home

I had this great rant going on the bankruptcy of Detroit but then I got distracted by...

The house was created by John Milkovisch in Houston, TX. It's currently owned by local nonprofit Orange Show Center for Visionary Art. Nice little read here and, if you're in the area, drop by for a visit at 222 Malone Street.

Membership Has Its Privileges

Signed the family up this weekend. Closest we'll ever get to a country club.

...and there is no need to feel down.

Pig Burger - Everybody Wants Some

Somebody purchased this for my kids:

Which, of course, made me think of this:

Because We Can

We don’t do a lot of automobile reviews here on Dumbarton’s Beer. We tend to leave things like this to the experts. Besides, I always assumed my first review would cover the 1968 Mustang I just purchased. However, relocating to Buffalo means I’ve traded enhanced revenue for quality of life so the Mustang is on hold indefinitely.

There are a couple of reasons for expanding Dumbarton’s Beer into the auto world. First, if you’re not innovating your dying (I think I read that in Forbes). Second, I am eminently qualified to do this because I watch a lot of auto-related shows. Third, it’s a natural fit having grown up in and around the auto industry. Fourth, the trusty assistant was "on holiday" at press time and I’m home with sick kids. Two sleepless nights means that if I have a beer I will fall asleep before any attempt at writing about it. Finally, suck an egg.

While those are all perfectly legitimate reasons for an auto review the primary driver (pun intended) is my love-hate relationship with new cars. 

Case Study: the 2012 Ford Fusion SEL I4.

This really is the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you want a real, quality review search through Jalopnik. If you want test track data and comparisons against other mid-size sedans search through Motor Trend. Either of which will prove infinitely more informative.

The Good

As far as I can tell, SEL is code for “loaded”. This particular model is really only missing AWD and two cylinders (more on that below). Here is the list of options: six colors of ambient lighting, automatic headlights, fog lights, leather, AM/FM/CD/Sirius, Sync, Sony sound, 12v plugs, power seats driver and passenger, power windows including one-touch for driver and passenger, sunroof, blind side warning, variable windshield wipers that automatically determine speed based on rain, rearview camera for reverse, chrome stuff, and floor mats. Can anybody tell me why floor mats are an “option”?

The Bad

I4 is the engine code and the four represents the number of cylinders. By far the worst thing about this car is the four cylinders. Yes, they upped the HP for the 2012 but it’s still sluggish off the start. Once you are cruising you have no trouble. Still, get the six cylinder engine. I don’t notice the missing AWD though I might change my opinion after driving through my first Buffalo winter in a decade.

The Ugly

The Fusion is made in Mexico. Every day I drive to work and pass a Ford plant that makes parts of the Escape, Edge and Flex. Some 2013s will be made in the US so that helps.

My biggest complaint applies not just to this Fusion but to all of today’s cars. Like smartphones today’s cars are making us dumb. In this case, cars are making us dumb at driving. I once drove a stick shift Focus and to this day it was one of the most fun cars to drive. The driving experience is so much better because you are part of the car. Thanks to the Focus, I will never again be able to drive in reverse without the rearview camera. I expect that 6 months from now I will forget how to operate windshield wipers. All this means I can never own that '68 Mustang without being a complete menace on the roads.

News Release: Dumbarton's Beer Announces Corporate Relocation

August 3, 2012 (Washington, DC) - In a press conference today Dumbarton's Beer announces the relocation of its international and intergalactic headquarters from the capital of the free world, Washington, DC to the capital of winter, Buffalo, NY.

The move to upstate New York will allow Dumbarton's Beer to recognize enhanced craft beer social media economies of scale, create greater efficiency within the company's various output channels, and reduce our carbon footprint. The relocation will increase the population of western New York by at least four. While specific data is not available this increase could lead to the creation of thousands of jobs and a Super Bowl victory for the Buffalo Bills.

The President and Chief Beer Drinker for Dumbarton's Beer said "we are excited for the opportunity presented in upstate New York and we very much look forward to imbibing in the various upstate craft beers. Dumbarton's Beer is very proud of the growing craft beer segment in Washington, DC. With a little luck, Dumbarton's Beer can do for Buffalo area beer what it did for Washington, DC brewers - which amounts to little more than drinking as much of their beer as possible." He specifically mentioned Franklin's (Hyattsville), Chocolate City, and DC Brau; and went on to thank area Petworth pubs including DC Reynolds and Looking Glass Lounge.

Dumbarton's Beer will officially open the new headquarters on August 13, 2012.

Staff of Dumbarton's Beer are not available for media interviews or press inquiries at this time.

Video Friday at Dumbarton's Beer

Courtesy of the fine folks at the  Washington City Paper. A friendly competition to see which local beer experts know their beer. Read about it here.




This one is just for fun. "All we need is one pin, Rodney."

The World's Most Useful iPad App

Magician Simon Pierro at the "Hofbraeuhaus" in Munich, Germany.

Brotherhood of Man on the Planet Earth

He has nothing on Freddie Mercury but he is better than Wayne Campbell.

h/t G:TB via BuzzFeed

Update per Deadspin: The singer featured in this piece is Robert Wilkinson. He's 29 years old, unemployed and...a home brewer! 

Never Spill Beer Again

Mermaids Delay Construction of Reservoir

We chase stories to all four corners of the Earth for our loyal reader(s) - assuming we don't actually have to leave our desk.

In Zimbabwe, Water Resources Minister Sam (Salt N') Sipepa Nkomo reported to the senate delays in a major water project are being caused by mermaids living in reservoirs. How can you get rid of mermaids? By brewing traditional beer. Everybody knows that the best beer for such a situation is brewed right here in America.

Mermaids, according to Zimbabwe custom, are known for carrying humans underwater and may never be seen again if relatives protest. The true motivation is unknown as some customs believe mermaids are spiteful to humans while others believe they simply forget humans cannot breathe under water. According to the report:

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Local Government, Rural and Urban Development Minister Ignatius Chombo, who also appeared before the senate committee, backed the call for traditional rites to be performed at the dams to allay workers’ fears.

Nkomo said the government is prepared to give the population the water it needs, but is unable to do so until the rituals are performed and necessary repairs can be carried out.

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Yes, I would very much like some bananas at cost.

h/t Off the Bench.

Three Little Beers

How we're spending the afternoon inside the cubicle. Sure beats working.

Part I

Part II

Disaster Preparedness 101

Having survived the 5.8 earthquake last week and Irene over this past weekend we've decided the time is right to start preparing for the next apocalyptic natural disaster. No, we're not talking about the return of Congress after Labor Day weekend. In fact, the next big one is already developing.

We at Dumbarton's Beer have come up with a simple and fool-proof master plan for surviving natural disasters. The plan: Have Kids. We can almost guarantee that if you have kids real disaster planning pretty much takes care of itself. We can prove it. Below are some of the supply kit highlights for hurricane survival as prepared by the fine folks at NOAA. This list is child's play (we couldn't resist).

Water: This is America. Nobody drinks from the tap and you all have a case of bottled water in the house. This item is moot.

Food/Booze*: If you're under the age of 25 you only have a stick of butter, expired ketchup and 2 cans of a six pack in your refrigerator. If you have kids the shelves are always stocked with both fresh foods and non-perishable items. We have kids and there is no shortage of food in our house - ever. And because we have kids there is no shortage of beer. Preparing for Irene in our house meant getting bread and cottage cheese. (Seriously, what kid likes cottage cheese?) We were already stocked with craft beer from several brewers.

Blankets/Pillows: Kids love their blankies. Sure, they have various names for their favorite blanket but if you have kids chances are you have several because you never know when and where the kid is going to throw up.

Clothing: You can no longer afford clothes for yourself and you're perfectly comfortable wearing the same items for several days in a row (like college but for different reasons). Your kids get new clothes every 4-6 weeks. This is a result of either the child's rate of growth or the changing seasons. Everybody's covered.

First Aid: You're house is already a MASH unit. Kids fall, jump, and run. They also spend the better part of the early years perfecting motor skills so from the moment of the first roll over you are stocked with all your first aid needs. In fact, you could probably put in a couple of stitches in a pinch.

Toiletries/Moisture Wipes: Wipes are one of the best things about having children. They are multi-purpose cleaners from children's skin to the hard surfaces in your kitchen. If you wear glasses you'll find they are every bit as effective as glass cleaner. In our house the wipe of choice is Pampers.

Flashlight/Batteries: OK, you might need to purchase a flashlight but if you need batteries in your house then you probably hate your kids. The grandparents and your always-clever friends love to buy kids toys with lights, bells, whistles, and music. All require batteries ranging from AAA to D and even 9-volt (yes, they still use 9-volt batteries).

Radio: It's 2011. Nobody has radio.

Telephone: Nobody has land line either but you probably have a cell phone with all the key phone numbers - like the Poison Control Center.

Cash/Credit Cards: If you have kids you don't have cash and your credit cards are maxed out (on things like batteries, clothes, blankets, etc).

Full Tank of Gas: Kids need to get out. A lot. They have gymnastics, play dates, doctor's appointments, trips to the zoo, and a host of other travel needs. Besides, you need a full tank of gas for those nights when you run off to the bar after the kids go to bed so you can watch the game while not sitting in chair stained with baby food.

There you have it. All of your disaster preparedness needs take care of themselves if you have kids. If you don't have kids get to work because that's the easy part.

*NOAA does not actually recommend booze but when's the last time you saw any news footage of people preparing for a disaster that did not include a beer run?

Your Fun for Today

Initially posted on the Chive.

Best. Joke. Ever.

It's Friday and tomorrow is the end of the world so this is the best we can do. We hope to get one last post in before 6pm tomorrow.

Just Clap Your Hands

There has been a long-running debate about bottles versus cans and we're going to provide the definitive answer.  By "long-running debate" we use the New York Times standard so somebody probably talked about it somewhere. That somewhere was at the most recent Qualia Coffee beer swap. It was less a debate and more a conversation with the general consensus being that there will likely be a shift away from bottles and towards cans in the coming years. Of course, we agreed with this consensus because we have no real idea what we're talking about. Dumbarton's knowledge begins and ends with knowing you can typically purchase beer in cans or bottles.

Dumbarton's Beer has no dog in this fight. Meaning, we don't own or have a financial interest in an aluminum factory or a glass blowing plant (disclaimer: we have been to the Corning Museum). On occasion we are asked if there's an official DBB Policy Statement on cans or bottles and there is not. Our rationale is that we are focused on the beer and not the container. If it doesn't impact quality and flavor you can sell it to us in plastic baggies. How much would a dime bag of beer run us?

At 4:45pm this afternoon the executives at Dumbarton's Beer determined the time for a policy statement is at hand. The statement is as follows:

We like cans.

It was a warm spring day inside the beltway. The kind of day that makes you want a cool beer and a barbecue. In preparing to set up the grill we gathered the appropriate tools - charcoal, newspaper, grill scraper, one can of Dale's Pale Ale. Step one: remove grill cover. Step two: open beer. That's when the apple landed on our proverbial head. The can cracked open like a beer commercial was being filmed in the backyard. It made that distinct can opening sound that, back in the day, you saw between innings of your televised baseball game. The sound that on television makes even Genessee Cream Ale desirable.

Cans are cool. They're not hipster cool or emo cool but old school cool. In opening that one can of Dale's we were instantly transported to cool. Drinking beer from a can must be the equivalent to cruising the strip with your best girl in the Boss 429. It's Bad Company writing the song Bad Company. It's the Hulk Hogan beating Andre the Giant. It's losing three straight Super Bowls and having the balls to come back for a fourth. In short, it's American.


PS. We were drinking beer from a bottle during this writing.

All the Grace of Fred Astaire

This has been floating around for awhile but still fun to watch - if only because of the great music.

Bottoms Up

This has been making the rounds on the Internet - for better or worse. Our friends at Gheorghe, who have a much better video posted today, refer to this as filler.

The Hollywood Beer Post

Straight from the TMZ newsroom we bring you the stories that matter.  If it involves a celebrity then it matters so we'll get right to it.

Dr. Jones Verifies Age - Harrison Ford, famed actor in the Star Wars movies (the good ones), the Indiana Jones series, and countless other blockbuster films was asked for identification while out on a recent beer run.  Mr. Ford is 68 years old.  According to the report, the guy behind the counter said everybody gets carded.  Said Mr. Harrison "I went to buy some beer the other day and got carded! I said, 'I'm 68-years-old'".  Our best guess is that the clerk was confused by the earring and wanted to know if it was Ford or Ed Bradley.

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Mi How You've Grown - Miley Cyrus continues to act with maturity beyond her years.  This time by having a cold one at the tender age of 17 in Spain.  The good news is that the drinking age in Spain is 18.  The bad news is it's still underage drinking.  Don't worry about Ms. Cyrus getting in trouble because for Spanish authorities "underage drinking is simply no big deal".  No word on who her mother was sleeping with at the time - apparently it was not Bret Micheals.