I Want to be in A Secret Society Too

As our nation mourns the passing of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia we continue to learn about the circumstances surrounding his death. Late yesterday, the Washington Post broke news that Justice Scalia spent his last moments of life with the International Order of St. Hubertus where he was a high-ranking official. A secretive fraternity for hunters dating back to the 17^th century, the “knightly order” places an emphasis on hunting and, almost certainly, world domination.

Of course, IOHS is not the only secret society. There is the well-known Bohemian Grove. Yale University has Skull and Bones. The New World Order, which may or may not exist. The Secret Society of Happy People, which I can only imagine is a front for marijuana smokers. The Illuminati, which may or may not share membership with NWO. The Freemasons. The Klu Klux Klan. The Boy Scouts. The list goes on and on. Actually, a quick Google search identifies an untold number of these societies leading one to believe the definition of the word “secret” is loosely applied.

Today, we add to the list.

Introducing the top secret, members only, St. Gambrinus Society. The SGS is a secret fra-sorority of homebrewers and craft beer drinking individuals with questionable moral character.  Individuals will only be considered if they are male or female or both, gay or straight or LBGTQ, must be considered part of at least one race or ethnicity, maintain income that is considered within the 99 percent or the 1 percent, be cool, be nice, and be fun. Members must be be of legal drinking age.

The St. Gambrinus Society is hereby established to: 1) create, consume and support high quality homebrew and craft beer, 2) find a cure for hangovers, and 3) achieve world domination.

The supreme leader of the St. Gambrinus Society (me) shall be known only as the Grand Brewbah. Next steps include creating other leader and membership titles, designing a crest, develop a secret handshake, and other corporation-type stuff I'm sure. And an official ring, we definitely need that, too.

If you're interested in becoming a charter member of the Society you may request an application by sending an e-mail to dumbartons.beer@gmail.com. It wouldn't hurt to throw in a couple of Bitcoin.

Who is St. Gambrinus? We’re not entirely sure but if he existed he probably liked beer. From the Catholic Exchange:

“St. Gambrinus is not really a saint. In fact, it’s unclear whether he was a real person or simply a myth based on real personages. Nevertheless, St. Gambrinus embodies the joyful enjoyment of alcohol, and has even been credited by some with being the inventor of beer. Other say he learned the art of brewing from the gods, and still others say he simply was a man who could down epic amounts of beer. Regardless, he is famous in European folklore for typifying the merriment brought by the blessed brew.”

Rental Review: Ford Focus

Some crack string theory scientists subscribe to the theory of infinite universes or "multiverse". Somewhere on that infinite, flat timeline I'm actually an auto journalist for Jalopnik. But I live in this universe where I toil away as a middle-management public servant. In keeping the dream alive it's time to introduce our newest segment: Rental Car Review.

In this series we take advantage of the numerous times my job takes me across the empire state. Generally speaking this travel requires the use of a rental car from a company that shall remain unnamed. This series is less about the rental company and more about the ride. Also, I'm making an assumption that these are the types of cars most drivers rely on daily - a small or midsize vehicle, typically sedan-ish and modestly equipped. So, maybe this will be fun or maybe it will simply feed my car obsession.

This past week I took a road trip to Oswego, NY. If I were a travel writer in a parallel universe I'd wax poetic about the romantic welcome offered by the big nuclear power plant right on Main. Instead, we're going to discuss the 2015 Ford Focus that got me there and back.

Nicely equipped with heat, a/c, power windows, and a radio, the Focus got the job done. Overall, more good than bad.

Don't buy this car: First, the EcoBoost engine shudders, shimmies, and shakes at 0-20 mph. It's fine after that but it's disconcerting off the line. Second, it's small. I'm no giant but I felt like I barely fit (confession: I happily leased an early Focus 15 years and 15 lbs ago so it might not be the car). Third, this model didn't have the one-touch window up feature. That's critical when dealing with toll roads. Finally, sound system isn't great and the car rides a little loud; both of which impact music quality.

Buy this car: First, it's a lot of fun to drive. After you pass 20 mph it's easy to see why younger drivers are attracted to the Focus. It's small, lightweight, and you can zip around. Could easily upgrade to the ST and really spin some wheels. Second, Sync gets a lot of heat for poor functionality but I hooked up my iPhone to play music in about 10 seconds. Kids today need more than music so maybe it's a problem but it did right by me. Third, can't argue MPG. A full tank of gas took me round trip from Buffalo to Oswego. That's never a bad thing. Finally, made in America. The 2015s are but Ford is negotiating with the United Auto Workers and it's expected that smaller cars like the Focus will soon be made in Mexico. So, if earth friendly made in America is your thing - get 'em while you can.

Kill All the Lawyers

You live in western New York and need a lawyer. There is no shortage of ambulance chasers but who can you call? How can you reach them and, more importantly, when can you call? Because you need help now. For your convenience, we offer the Dumbarton's Brew Guide to WNY's Premier Ambulance Chasers Attorneys at Law. The firms below met our rigorous review standards. They were not chosen simply because their phone number consists of one even number. Actually, the phone number is the only reason.

Dial: 716.222.2222
Web: http://www.wnydwi.com/default.aspx
Summary: The Turbo Team specialty is DWI and apparently nothing else. As they say, pick one thing you're good at and stick with it. However, you can call 24/7 and they are happy to come visit you at your home or office; because the boss loves when his employees meet with lawyers at work.

Dial: 716.444.4444
Web: http://www.williammattar.com/
Summary: Personal injury focusing primarily on, you guessed it, auto accidents. Really, helping people is what they do. Also, they have a "No Fee Guarantee" - you don't pay unless Mattar wins your case (little known fact, this is how it always works).

Dial: 716.666.6666
Web: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118971/
Summary: Some say it's the most powerful law firm in the country. They only hire lawyers that have never lost a case. The only thing it will cost.....is your soul.

Dial: 800.888.8888
Web: http://www.cellinoandbarnes.com/
Summary: Previously Cellino, Dwyer and Barnes. Rumor has it the shameless chasing was too much for Dwyer so he took off to do some honest lawyerin'. Personal injury attorneys that advertise primarily for auto and construction accidents but they can do it all. Medical malpractice - check. Truck accidents (yes, it's different than auto) - check. Defective products - check. Even dog bites! Cellino & Barnes offers a No Fee Promise (see No Fee Guarantee above). Also, you can text them.

Time for a New Christmas Tradition

Another Christmas holiday has come and gone. The best part of this particular holiday is the television. Christmas specials ranging from Charlie Brown and the Grinch to National Lampoon and A Christmas Story. With DVR and streaming access you can literally watch these specials every waking moment of the season. Ho ho ho yourself into a Christmas coma.

In 2015, let's add to the repertoire. I humbly suggest 1985's Better Off Dead.

Better Off Dead stars a young John Cusack as Lane Myer; a high school student in Greendale recently dumped by his girlfriend. Hijinks ensue when Lane focuses his energy on winning back Beth and finding various ways to deal with his depression. Lane eventually meets Monique, a foreign exchange student living with his neighbor Ricky, while trying to make a run at the K12. In the meantime, Lane lands a job at Char Burger (everybody wants some) and openly street races with two locals who learned English by watching Howard Cosell.

What is often overlooked in Better Off Dead is the Christmas subtext of the movie. Al Myer and his neighbor get matching winter coats. Monique gets an explanation of Christmas from Ricky's Mom; who is not sure if the holiday is celebrated in France. Jenny Myer gets a boatload of tv dinners. 

Everybody remembers Johnny's tenacious demands for his two dollars (plus tip) but this is really a Christmas story with a miracle happy ending. Lane gets the girl and the car, bests the K12, and blows up Ricky's mom. Miracle on 34th Street has nothing on this. If you haven't seen this movie multiple times, you're an idiot - go watch it now. If you have, maybe next year take a break from 24 hours of A Christmas Story to watch something different. Let's all make Better Off Dead a new Christmas classic.

Eleventh Beer of Christmas (2014)

On the third day of Christmas my trusty assistant brought to me a Shiner Holiday Cheer;
a Victory Winter Cheers;
and a Harpoon Winter Warmer

Today we break from the Christmas holiday to celebrate Festivus; which begins with the Airing of the Grievances. In the spririt of Frank Costanza here are my grievances...

War on ______. This is mostly about the fake "war on Christmas" but we could discuss ad nausea the failed "war on drugs" and even the almost-successful "war on poverty". At the end of the day, I'm against anybody claiming there is a war on anything unless there is an actual war (you know, the ones with planes and tanks and where soldiers die). Seriously, it is disrespectful to any member of the armed forces who daily risk their lives for our freedoms and political agendas. So stop it.

Paranoia and faux rage. I blame the Internet but maybe it started with cable news. Regardless, when did discourse become so awful? Today we all have our own facts and you're either with me or against me. People can't possibly be this passionate about so many topics. This plays out most prominently in the US Congress but it seems to be everywhere. I once followed a Facebook conversation debating the merits of New York creating new license plates. Obama and Cuomo have been coming for your guns for at least six years. None of this would be a problem except that it gets in the way of accomplishing anything. I'm not suggesting we all just get along. In fact, that's just as bad but seriously, it's time to let it go and get something done.

Slate headlines. Could they be any more condescending? I mean, really.

The flu and it's partner strep. Both hit my house this weekend; just in time to ruin Christmas Eve. My son got it so bad that I panicked Sunday morning and got the ineffective flu shot. Fortunately, there was strep too - my viral nemesis. Water - orange juice - pee break. That's my rotation. I haven't gone within three feet of any immediate family since Saturday. I've even been staying away from alcohol (until tonight). Everybody is contagious tomorrow's midnight showing of A Christmas Story. It would be less bothersome if these two morons didn't ruin something every winter.

Second Beer of Christmas (2014)

"It is the fight alone that pleases us, not the victory."

-Blaise Pascal

On the second day of Christmas my trusty assistant brought to me a Victory Winter Cheers;

and a Harpoon Winter Warmer

I have no idea how much fight went into making Winter Cheers. I also have no idea if Pascal ever really said the above quote but as a sports fan living in Buffalo I can say the fight alone can be pretty awful. Facing Green Bay tomorrow should be fun. Wait, what are we talking about?

Winter Cheers is a Hefeweizen. It's cloudy, dry, and kinda sweet. There's some spice at the end, I think. I don't know. I'm tired, my head hurts and I have gas. I really just want to enjoy this beer and fall asleep watching Christmas Vacation. Pass the Tylenol - and another Winter Cheers.

Fifth Beer of Christmas (2014)

Here's your picture

It's getting to the point where this waste of space is good only for a half-hearted attempt at providing a list of craft beers somewhere between Thanksgiving and the end of the year. Since the holidays are all about tradition we once again bring you the 12 Beers of Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas my trusty assistant brought to me Harpoon's Winter Warmer.

Today's theme is change. We first brought you Winter Warmer in 2010. Effectively referring to it as coal in the stocking, this is what we said:

"Now we're sitting here with four Winter Warmers and we're not entirely sure what to do with it.  There's something inherently wrong with pouring beer down the drain, particularly if we can find a few who might enjoy a Warmer.  In fact, we dislike this brew so much we didn't bother taking a picture."

Man, that's harsh.

Maybe it's the relocation to the Canadian border. Maybe it's a new appreciation for life after surviving a snow storm that brought 70 plus inches in four days. Maybe I'm just getting old. Regardless, the philosophy of this brew has completely changed. The nutmeg and cinnamon are wonderful. It's a little sweet and solid bodied. We're getting another 12 inches of snow tonight, which now seems like child's play, so I expect to have a few more to warm the cockles of my heart.

There's a lesson in here about not worrying what others say on beer (or anything) and about trying something only once. Let people help guide you but make your own decisions. In the end, the quality beers will move to the front of the line....even if it takes a few years.

Finally, it would be criminal to reference 12 inches of snow and not end with this: